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Archive for June, 2012

Teenagers can present as ungrateful, like they cannot be bothered by you and like they could take you or leave you as their parent at times.  There is no arguing this and most parents of teenagers can identify with this at some point – whether all the time or occasionally.  Despite this, what I have seen happen over and over is that parents assume that their teenagers do not want to spend time with them and therefore they stop asking because they are tired of being rejected.  Although it makes sense that parents stop asking their teens if they want to spend time together, teens often times end up seeing this as a rejection and feel not cared about.

If you are saying to yourself that this does not make any sense you are right!  It doesn’t make logical sense that your teenager pushes you away and then gets hurt that you do not ask them if they want to spend more time with you, however, this is often times what happens.  One of the ongoing questions parents of teenagers ask themselves is “how involved should I be in my teen’s life?”  There is no clear answer or magic formula, however, your teen will notice if you stop trying to be involved.  It is a fine line and often confusing for parents who want to spend time with their teenagers but don’t want to feel like they are being controlling or overly involved.

I have worked with parents who were struggling with this issue and below are some of the suggestions we have come up with through the coaching process that have helped them identify ways they can offer to spend time with their teenagers in a way that is enjoyable for both them and their teenager.

  • Once every couple weeks, offer to take your teenager out for a meal on the way to or from another activity.  This will give you 1:1 time with them consistently and does not require them to miss out on other events with friends.
  • Mothers and daughters can go together to get manicures or pedicures.  Schedule a time where you can go at the same time and sit side by side so that you are talking during your time at the salon.
  • If you share a common hobby or interest with your teenager, this is a great way to spend time with them.  Golfing or playing baseball, tennis or volleyball is a great way for parents to spend time with their teenagers.  Or if you both enjoy reading or art, you can go together to the library or to shop for books or supplies.
  • Use car time as a way of spending time with your teenager.  If you are driving them to an appointment or to a friend’s house, try to use this time to talk to them in a casual manner so that they know you are available to them rather than having car rides in silence or with the radio turned up most of the time.
  • Schedule a family game night (or allow your teenager to invite a friend also).  This is a stretch for many teens but I have worked with teenagers who report that they truly enjoy such events.  Teens often enjoy sitting in the comfort of their home and playing games they enjoy with people who do not judge them.  It’s worth asking or trying!
  • Have one special meal together each week.  Maybe make it together, plan it together or go shopping for it together also.

Sometimes it takes some creativity but it is worth putting thought into things that would appeal to your teenager.   It is important to continue to offer your teenager opportunities to spend time with you – even if you think they will say they are not interested most times you ask.

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Parents often face challenges, resistance and uncertainly from their children (especially teenagers) when blending two families together.  For information about why this happens check out my blog titled Blending A Family:  Why This Can Be Such A Challenge With Teens here:  http://bit.ly/N1xxjW.  When going through this process, there are some things that parents can do to help their teenager.  Below are 5 tips for parents facing challenges in this process:

  1. Be patient.  Remember that this process takes time and that there are bound to be some bumps along the way.  Despite your eagerness to having things work out so that everyone is comfortable and happy, there will be an adjustment period that will take time.
  2. Be clear.  Don’t give your teenager any false hope or idea that you will back down from your plan to blend your families unless you are prepared to actually do this.  It is better to be clear with them about what is happening than to give the false hope or information about what is taking place.
  3. Make time for your teenager.  Even though they may reject your offers to spend time with them, it is important that you are offering it so that they still feel special. If there are things you did that used to just be the two of you that now include several other people (i.e. dinner time, watching television at night) you should try to carve out time periodically to do these activities – just you and your teen.  It is normal that they may resent having to share this time with others so it is important that you validate them in their feelings and help to make sure they feel included and important at all times.
  4. Establish routines.  Although teens will tell you they hate routines, they benefit greatly from them and actually feel better with the predictability of having a routine.  All of your routines will likely require some adjustment as you blend your families.  Try to get input from everyone about what will work and promote that everyone make some compromises as needed.  It is good to think about structuring things like morning routines, chores, having friends over, television watching, meal times, etc.
  5. Establish clear rules and be consistent.  You and your new partner will need to make some decisions about rules and consequences.  As I have discussed in other articles, your teenager needs to see you as a united front so you should never have disagreements about rules in front of them.  In addition, once you are able to establish rules, it is important to share them with your teenager upfront so that they are aware of your expectations and the consequences for not following them.

For more parenting support designed specifically for parents of teenagers go to www.HowToParentATeen.com

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On top of the stress of being the parent of a teenager, you may also be dealing with the stress of creating a blended family.  This can be a challenge to say the least, however, it is certainly not impossible and many parents of teenagers are able to successfully blend two families.  As we all know, the Brady Bunch family is not reality and therefore we should never use such unrealistic families as our vision of how things will be.  Blending families means balancing the needs of your adult relationship with those of your children while you all go through a significant change.  It is important that during this process, you do not minimize the impact such a change can have on all of you.

Your teenager may be resentful of the many changes they are being asked to deal with.  Some of these changes may include:  having to share your time, changing their routines, having to share their personal space, television, computer or phone time, changing family roles, having to adjust to new rules and feeling a little less comfortable in their own home while adjusting to living with new family members.  It is important to acknowledge these changes and let them know you appreciate how difficult the changes may be for them.  If you are looking for support in how to do this go to www.HowToParentATeenn.com  and download the free audio program that walks you through the skill of validation which can make a huge difference in a situation where you are blending a family.   Any resentment from your teenager could take on many forms including acting out, isolating or a refusal to accept that you have a new significant other.

Since you, as the parent, are also experiencing a lot of change and may likely be feeling torn between your child and your new mate, it is important that you acknowledge and address any stress you are experiencing throughout this process.  You will be better able to help with the overall adjustment process if you are making sure that you are taking care of yourself.

For more parenting support go to www.HowToParentATeen.com or like us on facebook for a free parent guide at www.facebook.com/HowToParentATeen.

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A parent skill that is very powerful with teenagers is Listening.  I know…this can seem like a very basic and obvious skill, however, this is not necessarily the case and this can be a tricky skill with teens sometimes.  The reason for this is because it can be scary for teenagers to think about how much they need you and rely on you, as their parent or guardian.  Think about how much energy they spend on pushing you away in an effort to prove how much they DON’T need you (which FYI they are trying to prove to themselves more than to anyone else).  Because of this, it is important for parents to take advantage of the opportunities when their teenagers WANT to talk to them and to be able to really listen fully when these opportunities arise.  When teens feel heard…they will be more likely to talk more.

Below are some tips and things to think about when listening to you teen:

  • Pay attention and be aware of when they want to talk – it is not always so obvious and they may not say, “do you have a minute to talk”.  They may be doing something else in an effort to get your attention, they may even be yelling or they may just make a point to be near you.  In such situations, you can simply say, “if there is anything you want to talk about I am here to listen”.  Keep is simple and don’t press them for information.
  • Be undistracted when they start talking – ignore the phone, TV or any other distractions around you as much as possible so that they feel they have your undivided attention and that what they are saying is important to you.
  • Make sure your body language gives the message you are listening – regardless of what they are saying, try to be relaxed, attentive and non-threatening while they are talking (if they are sitting, sit with them and don’t stand over them, etc).
  • Make conversations feel less threatening – sometimes sitting face to face is too much for teenagers.  Maybe talk while doing dishes, shooting a basketball, riding in the car, or doing some other activity.  This may take the pressure off them and make it easier for them to say what they really want to say.
  • Stay calm.  Being judgmental or having a strong emotional reaction will shut them down. If they feel like you are judging them or that they really upset you they will likely shut down and not come to you in the future.  This can be difficult to do since your teen may be talking about something that you disapprove of, something that scares you or even something that shocks you.  Trying to keep your emotions in control will allow the conversation to continue so that you can get all the information and let your teenager know that they can come to you, even in difficult situations.
  • Remember there is power in silence – sometimes just listening and hearing what they are saying without judging them is more effective than trying to offer advice.  If they feel they can really tell you what they want to say, they will be more likely to come to you again.
  • Respond in a way that keeps them talking – if you do respond to them, ask a non-threatening question or ask for clarification rather than just giving them your opinion or telling them what you think they should do.  Say something like, “that sounds difficult, what you do think you might want to do to make it better?”  You are not lecturing, advising or judging – you are being curious and letting them know you are interested in their thoughts.

I want to be clear that if your teenager has done something really wrong or if they are unsafe that you should not just sit and listen to them – in those situations you will need to step in with consequences or an intervention that is in the best interest of your child.  I am talking about all the other situations that arise where your teenager is working on being independent, trying to figure things out on their own and dealing with the difficult things that come up in the life of a teenager.  If they know you will listen – they will come to you and often times it matters less what you say and more that you are just there as a support to listen to them.

Go to www.HowToParentATeen to get more FREE parenting tips, to check out our parenting coaching programs and to sign up to get tips like this FREE every single week.

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It is recommended that teenagers get 9 hours of sleep per night because they are still having a lot of physical, emotional and brain growth which really does require this much sleep.  It can be a struggle for parents to get their teenager in bed at a reasonable time for a number of reasons:  teens get a lot of homework, have sports or other extra-curricular activity commitments that often going until later in the evening and of course teens also want to watch TV, play video games or chat with their friends via computer, text or phone.  Below are some tips that can assist you in getting your teenager to bed and asleep earlier and move them closer to that goal of 9 hours of sleep each night.

  • Keep a cool room – this is tough in the hot summer but it has been proven that people sleep much better in a cool room.
  • Adjust the lighting– when possible, dim the lighting in your house at 8 or 9pm.  Simply doing can create a more relaxing environment.
  • Try to not let them nap – many teenagers are tired after school and come home and nap.  This does not give them the time they need to refresh and results in their going to bed later and continuing in this cycle.
  • Encourage them to exercise at times other than right before bed – it is much harder to fall asleep if you are wound up after exercising.
  • Help them avoid caffeine – this will interfere with their sleep and many parents do need to place restrictions on their teen’s caffeine intake after school.
  • Teach calming techniques – whether it is listening to certain music, using a soothing scent like vanilla or lavender, drinking warm tea, reading, etc.  Try to help your teen explore activities that are soothing and calming for them.
  • Keep a schedule – this can be difficult but trying to have your teen going to bed and waking up during the week at the same time will help their body adjust to falling asleep earlier.  Also, not allowing them to stay up too late or sleep too late or all day on the weekends will further help with this.
  • Unplug at night – set a time for all electronics to be turned off and stick with it.  Remove them if you need to or set up a system where all wireless connections shut down at a certain time each night.
  • Be a good role model– even though as adults, our bodies are not growing and changing like a teenager’s body does,we need sufficient sleep also.  As you address your teen’s sleep needs – try to address your own also.

For more parenting tips and resources go to www.HowToParentATeen.com

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